Well, based on the comments I’ve received both on here and through my e-mail, I, for literally only half a second, considered not posting the rest of the series. Then I realized, “Even bad press is good press”. So here I am, with part three. Bringing the kids. Some of us love them, some of us hate them. Some of us have them, some of us don’t have them. If these rules offend you, well, sorry. You probably got offended by the first two installments too, and you still came back for more. Enjoy, and without further ado.
Rule #1: When you come out with your kids, please do not choose to sit at the bar. When you do that, you force the bartender to tell you that you cannot sit at the bar with your children, because it’s illegal for a child to sit at a bar. Therefore, you’re already in a bad mood when you get to the table. Just avoid it to start with.
Rule #2: If you need a booster seat or a high chair, please don’t assume that we know that automatically. Let us know. If we ask, that means we need to know, it is not your cue to get smart with us about it. If you need one and we don’t ask, just politely let us know.
Rule #3: If the kid’s menu doesn’t say that they eat free, then they probably don’t eat free. If there aren’t any signs saying that kids eat free, then they probably don’t eat free. No amount of whining that the kids eat free, and that this restaurant you ate at last week had free meals for the kids, or my favorite, “I ate here last week with my kids and theirs was free. If kids meals aren’t free, they just aren’t free.
Rule #4: Just because some restaurants give out the kids drinks with their meals, does not mean that ALL restaurants give out free drinks with the kids meals. Once again, see rule 3. If it’s not on the menu, or on a sign somewhere, then it’s probably not free. Asking isn’t going to change that, and telling us that your kid got it free the week before isn’t going to change it.
Rule #5: If you have a small child, don’t ask us to bring their drink out in a larger glass. It’s a spilled drink waiting to happen. Don’t get them a milkshake and then get pissed off because your small child wanted it in the pretty glass. We’ve learned our lesson. We’re going to put it in a kids cup because we don’t want to have to clean up the milkshake. And no, just because it’s for a kid, it doesn’t make a free refill.
Rule #6: If your child sees fit to throw everything set in front of them into the floor, we’re going to stop putting things in front of them. They’re your kids, and most people would be embarassed when their child throws their drink, their chicken strip, and that entire baggy of cheerios you brought in onto the floor. Please, control the child or don’t bring it/them out to the restaurant with you. The exceptions are kids venues: Chuckie Cheese, Showbiz, the playground. If you bring them out for fine dining, or even a medium dining experience, at least make them behave. There are limits to what we can put up with, and we can and will legally refuse service for a table without kids or one with kids that act mature. I know they’re kids, but come on, they have to learn to behave in public.
Rule #7: When you bring your child out to a restaurant, please do not allow them to run rampant as you sit talking and drinking like a fish. Most restaurants don’t allow the kids to run around, and it’s just in bad taste to sit and get drunk while they do. When you let your kids run around like a bat out of Hell, it shows that you’re going to let them run all over you their entire lives. Is it out of fear of being called a child abuser that you don’t spank them? Is it fear that you’ll have to listen to them crying incessantly when you send them to their room? Either way, letting them run around with no supervision is unacceptable. We’re not babysitters, we’re servers.
Rule #8: The crying child. Nothing is more annoying to both the servers, bartenders, and the other patrons as the child that just won’t stop screaming at the top of its lungs. Get your food to go and take the child home, or shove a pacifier in its mouth. Don’t allow it to continue its loudness. Don’t give it dessert just because it cries, because it’s going to do it for everything it wants for the rest of its life. If another patron gives you a dirty look because of it, well, that means you should do something about it. Giving the excuse “It’s a baby” is just not acceptable. Babies and kids need discipline, and when they don’t have it, they’re going to do what they want, and you’re going to keep giving in, and we’re going to keep having to deal with the loud annoying shit every time you come in.
Rule #9: If your child is rude to us, please say something to them. It shows a lack of concern and a lack of parenting skill when you allow them to talk to people however they want. This includes the redneck trailer kids, upper class snotty kids, inner city kids (yes, I’m being PC, I have lot’s of friends from the inner city). If we ask your child to stop running, and we get from your 8 year old child “Fuck you”, and from you “Fuck you, you can’t tell my kid what to do”, it just shows that you and your child are trash, and you shouldn’t ever come out in public again. Your kid will end up a criminal, if they aren’t already torturing the neighbors cat.
Rule #10: Never go out and get drunk when you have your kid with you, especially if you aren’t planning on calling a cab. If you try to drive your child home, and you’re drunk, we WILL call the police on you, and you WILL traumatize that child. I’ve seen it happen, I had to do it a few weeks ago. If you want your kid to hate you for the rest of his/her days, then by all means, ruin their birthday or just that family outing. Rest assured, if you get into that car with that child, you’ll be arrested, and we won’t think another thing about it when social services gets involved. We’ll even gladly testify that you’re trash.
Rule #10: NEVER EVER EVER change your babies diaper at the table, much less change it and leave the diaper for us to clean up. It’s nasty, you’re nasty for doing it. There are bathrooms for a reason. USE THEM!
If this offended you, then it most likely applies to you. One or more of these rules has hit you the wrong way because you allow it/them to happen. Don’t be mad, just learn from them. It’s not that we don’t like kids, well, not all of us don’t like kids. Most of us just don’t like evil little heathens that have no structure or discipline in their lives. If you let your kid run wild, we have to deal with them. We have to clean up their messes. You’re the parents, act like it!
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September 16th, 2007 at 10:42 am
I honestly AGREE 100% with all of these and I do not have children. I feel customers expect everything to be free these days, which truly irks me. I also feel some parents need to discipline their kids by not letting them run around all over as if they were at Chuck E. Cheese’s or something. When babies cry, that is irriating, which the parent should go in the bathroom to quite the baby down. Who thinks it’s pleasant to have a crying baby around while you are eating?
Changing a baby’s diaper at a table is just disgusting and is putting other people’s health at risk. ANY sane person should know better to go to the bathroom to change a diaper just as a person would go to do #1 or #2 in a bathroom.
Getting drunk with your kid should be against the law. That’s just wrong.
As I stated before, I agree 100% with ALL of these points. I honestly cannot believe there are people that would change their baby’s diaper at the table. That’s just nasty.
September 16th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
DO NOT STOP POSTING!!!!!!!!! The people who read these things who got offended ARE the trashy ass jerks who do it & think that it’s ok. & for them: SCREW YOU!!! I love this totally TRUE stuff!!
September 16th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
When people go out to eat, they have the expectation that they’re spending their hard-earned money to relax and have a good time. Parents who bring ill-behaved children to restaurants are inconsiderate and selfish oafs. A dining room and a play room are not one and the same.
It’s great for parents to want their children to have the experience of dining at places other than Chuck E. Cheese. I remember when I was as young as 5 years old, my parents taking my brother and me out to eat at nice places; we even wore ties and jackets at some of them. I think those experiences led to my appreciation to this day of eating out, and helped to educate me on proper dining etiquette. But my parents made it known to us, through their examples and from what they told us, what type of behavior was expected.
It’s a sad fact of life these days that there are parents who have relinquished their parenting role, and allow their kids to do whatever they want to. Mind you, it’s not easy for parents to control their children, but it’s a responsibility that comes with the territory.
The website, DinnersFromHell.com, has a page of resources on the topic of dining with kids that provides helpful advice to parents.
September 26th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Hey. Don’t leave us teachers out of it too. We aren’t your kids’ babysitters. We definitely don’t want to deal with them being yard-apes at home either, only to come in the next day into my classroom and think they can do whatever the Hell they please.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:11 pm
This is beautiful.
We have littles; we don’t go out to eat often. When we do, we usually end up at places where there is no wait staff. It can be exhausting to keep things running smoothly and the kids from going insane, but we keep it short and sweet and we always clean up after them. Honestly, it’d have never even occurred to me to think the kids would get anything free …
The worst thing that happened is when the baby decided to abandon her spoon and try to drink her tiny baby bowl of ice cream, which slid all over her face and neck and clothing. When I took away the ice cream, she screamed like she was being murdered and I carried her to the bathroom as quickly as I could, but her screams, man, they reverberated. We were mortified and haven’t been back since.
It’s a risky business, eating out with babies/toddlers, they’re not quite domesticated and you never know what will happen. But damn, we are SO much more considerate than the people you describe that I’ll be a little less frightened next time.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I love your rules and i follow all of them. My daughter is only 3 years old but knows how she is to behave at a resturant.
My question is and i am sorry to have to ask such a thing. But how do you feel about children ordering for themselves. We are trying to get our daughter to order for herself, and yes she has manners and can talk so other people can understand her. Do you find it rude to have to listen to a child?
My only bad experience i had dining out with my child was not the childs fault but the fault of an under experienced waitress. We were at a resturant and we had a friend with us as well. Tables were crowded with all sorts of things like menus and advertising placards etc. and the waitress placed a pint of beer in front of our (then) 1 year old child. The little one immediately grabbed it and tipped it over. We all mopped up the beer and the waitress brought out another one and placed it in the exact same spot that she had placed the first one. I ended up grabbing it before it even hit the table and moved it to where DD could not reach it. We just couldnt believe that the waitress would repeat the same mistake twice.
April 12th, 2008 at 11:16 am
As a newish parent with an infant and inlaws with a penchant for going out to eat twice a week and demanding baby time I absolutely have to agree with you.
It’s positively abhorrant to see parents with their children out and about and out of control in establishments which such behaviours are unacceptable.
Every single time we go out people tell us what a lovely child we have because he’s (for the most part) pleasant and keeps the volume at an acceptable level. We don’t let him sit anywhere that he can wreck anything, we don’t allow him to make a mess and if he becomes unconsolable, he and I leave and sit in the car to take care of it.
I do have to confess that I’m guilty of sneaking a breastfeeding in here and there from time to time though. If we’re sitting somewhere relatively secluded and I happen to have a blanket or a jacket to cover up with, he eats too.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
I have waited tables for more years than I care to remember. I have certainly had my fair share of children at my tables. The thing about children is that people seem to think servers “hate” them. We don’t hate them. We just want guests to teach their children a little respect. As far as children ordering for themselves…that’s great, but if your child is not ready for the task then you should do it for them. There is nothing more irritating to a server then standing in front of a child who will not decide what they want while their station is filling up in the background. It’s also not acceptable for a child to scream, “I WANT PIZZA!” fifteen times at the server before they have even said hello.
Children have accidents. You all know that and I know that. It’s unavoidable. If you child spills a drink, so what! Stuff happens! However, don’t let your child run around the restaurant like they were born in a barn or tear-up every sugar packet at the table. Throwing things is unacceptable as well especially after the first 50 times. If your chosen establishment has tables that are already set-up with wine glasses, don’t let your children play with them or fill them up with coke or milkshakes and then get upset when your child spills them all over the place. You wouldn’t do that at home, so why would you do it in a restaurant. Breast feeding a child at the table (in my opinion) is certainly okay with a blanket even in the center of a restaurant as long as one is being discreet and not attracting attention to themselves.
I know I sound like an old crab when I say this, but things certainly have changed since I was a child. I know my brother and I never acted like most of the children in restaurants nowadays. We would have been marched to the bathroom and gotten our butts nice and tanned before we came back to the table and we always knew that it was a very real possibility. Children now don’t even respect their parents, much less the server.
July 21st, 2008 at 1:47 pm
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