I’ve been thinking about some of these things for a while, and tonight just seemed like the night to post the list. Here are some things that you should just not say to your server when you’re out eating, either because it’s going to piss them off or because it’s just plain rude and makes you seem like a worthless piece of excrement.
“You missed a spot.” If we’re cleaning, just let us clean. There will be no need for noise from the peanut gallery.
“Fuck you!” You know what, Fuck you too! If you don’t have respect for us, we’re damn sure not going to have it for you.
“How much longer on the food?” We keep you as up to the minute as possible when your food is running long, so don’t keep asking if you don’t want to piss us off.
“How much does _______ cost?” If you have to ask, then you need to cook it yourself. Most prices are in the menu if it’s food, with alcohol there’s just too many prices to memorize. If it’s not a bottle/draft beer or a well drink, then we probably don’t know right off the bat. We’re not going to price check every fucking drink until you find the cheapest with the most liquor. Just order and worry about it later.
“It’s slow in here tonight.” No shit, Sherlock. I was wondering why you were the only table getting on my nerves!
“My food tasted bad, can I get it free?” No, you ate the entire thing, you’re now going to pay the entire thing.
“This drink doesn’t have any liquor in it.” Yes, it does, you’ve just had so much you can’t taste it anymore.
“What’s free?” Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.
“Can I get insert non-menu item here?” If it’s not in the menu, then it’s probably not something the restaurant has. Asking for it isn’t going to change that.
“Do you give anything free for birthdays?” No, No, No, NO, NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO! Go to T.G.I. Fridays if you want a song!
“Do you work here?” No, I’m just wearing an apron and asking you what you want to drink.
If standing in front of the bathroom, this one…”Where’s the bathroom?”
“Can we get some straws?” No, I’m just going to give you these drinks without them. They’re not sticking out of my apron, or sitting on the tray, so you can’t have them.
“Can we get some silverware?” No, I want to watch you eat with your fingers and make my stomach turn backflips.
“So what’s your real job, or are you in school?” This is my only job, and I make more doing it than most people do in stuffy, boring places.
I’ve got a lot more things you shouldn’t say to your servers, but I figure the list is long enough for now. But before I go, the number one thing to say that pisses us off, because it’s not funny and we hear it so many times a night: In regards to the check, “I thought you were taking care of that.” What the Hell would give you the idea that we would even consider paying for your meal?
Come back for more, very soon.
Ribeye
Tags: apron, bathroom, bitching, check, dessert, drink, entitlement, free, funny, ghetto, Hell, liquor, missed, peanut gallery, people, raging, stupid, things to say, tip, tipping, toilet, workRelated Posts:
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December 17th, 2007 at 5:45 am
I stumbled across this blog from the ‘Upset Waitress’ site and I have to say I think it’s awesome. I started working in food service when I was 15 and just recently quit to become a zookeeper (seriously). I’m 24 now and going through all of your posts sure brings back memories. You’re a great writer….I’m adding this blog to my favorites list.
December 17th, 2007 at 6:31 am
How long have you been open?
Does anyone in the kitchen speak English?
I don’t like the lighting. Can you change them?
Can I smoke here? (no smoking in any bar or restaurant, by city ordinance)
I don’t like anything on the menu. What do you recommend?
All real things people have said to me…
December 17th, 2007 at 7:54 am
You forgot my perenial favorite….. “Do you serve food here?”, as you’re schlepping by with a tray laden with platters of the stuff! Dumbasses!
December 17th, 2007 at 11:28 am
My pet peeves: 1)”Smile!” I usually do, but I don’t have one plastered on my face 24/7. 2)”We drove all the way from ____ to get (insert menu item). Well, then our dinners should be free since you don’t have it!” If eating that particular item is so important, pick up the phone to insure that we do have it before you drive for an hour to get it. And, no, dinner is not free because we are out of something. 3)”Got the time?” when my hands are full. I have heard that at least 1000 times so if I don’t fall down laughing it isn’t because I’m having a bad day or am humorless bitch. 4)”Can’t we get happy hour prices now? It’s only 20 minutes away.” No! 3pm means 3pm and if I ring it in earlier, you’ll get charged full price. So either order a real drink at full price since you obviously want one or come back later. Please do not commit the cardinal sin of ordering a water and then sitting at my table or bar pouting until 3 because you came in early and expected special treatment. You want a drink, pay for it! I just had to add these because the snowbirds are flying in for season and asking the same old shit again this year.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:34 am
I understand about a lot of things on the list, but if you’ve been at a restaurant and ordered your drinks, appetizers, and main entree and have even already eaten you appetizer and still don’t have utensils to eat you entree with, what’s wrong with asking? It’s stupid to ask if you’ve just sat down, but I have been to pretty decent restaurants that the server totally forgot to bring silverware until our main course was on the table. Luckily, the appetizers and my dinner were finger foods, so I didn’t mind that much, but it was kind of hard from my friend to eat chicken curry and rice without a fork.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:38 am
My favorite, always said by the funniest customers, “Well, there goes your tip!”
Ha ha. How about if I came to where they worked and if something happened said, “Well, there goes your health insurance!”
December 17th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Friday’s is getting rid of the Birthday Song!
Our manager outlawed it a few weeks ago.
We still bring them a little sunday and balloons if we feel nice. And the server can sing with the table if he/she wants too. But we don’t have to do all the hoop-la anymore!
December 18th, 2007 at 12:37 am
I hate when people ask if water is free. I hate it when they ask me if I can carry yet another dish, when plates are literally piled up to my chin. Someone who works at Fridays or Applebea’s can tell me this, but do other restaurants not give free refills on Strawberry Lemonade? I get asked a lot of refills on it are free and wonder if it is because restaurants in our area do not have free refills like we do. Some people are jsut idiots!
December 18th, 2007 at 2:50 am
“I’m hot/cold! Can you turn up the air/heat?”
“I don’t taste no licka in dis!”
December 18th, 2007 at 8:48 am
I agree with everything on this post, with the exception of the silverware question. I work at a place where we preset our tables, and one of the things that really irks me is when people take it upon themselves to reach over to another table to take the silverware, or the napkin underneath. Why cant you USE YOUR WORDS and ask me, instead of fucking up my preset table?? Anyway the last 2 posts were hillarious as usual, keep up the good work!
December 18th, 2007 at 10:12 am
“Do you have a menu”? No you retard, you have to guess!
December 18th, 2007 at 11:49 am
I hate when we are on a wait and I take the party’s information and hand them a pager that is activating, so it beeps once when I am handing it to them and they throw it back at me saying that the table must be ready. ITS NOT! I just handed you the pager .03 seconds ago.
December 19th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
“Your going to have to work hard for your pennies” I hate when they ask about your real job. good call on that one.
January 19th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
““Can we get some silverware?” No, I want to watch you eat with your fingers and make my stomach turn backflips.”
I cannot count the NUMBER of times we have ordered food, then the server STILL ISN’T “OBSERVANT” to realize we don’t have ANY UTENSILS. Sometimes you HAVE to TELL the server, even AFTER they have brought the food, because SOME servers ARE that STUPID and UNCARING to serve you food that requires utensils. Not to give at least ONE napkin is VERY UNOBSERVANT and UNCARING. I understand hostess or host is supposed to do this, BUT, sometimes they forget or once in a while, we have experienced restaurants being OUT OF CLEAN UTENSILS. Once we had salads in front of us for about 5 minutes with NO FORKS. A server should have COMMON SENSE not not even bother serving a salad without a fork, which that server didn’t.
January 19th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
“Can we get some straws?” No, I’m just going to give you these drinks without them. They’re not sticking out of my apron, or sitting on the tray, so you can’t have them.”
I have had to ask servers to get straws when they DIDN’T have ANY in their apron.
One time I specifically remember this waitress didn’t write my drink orders down and forgot my dr. pepper. She didn’t bring a straw with it and didn’t have one in her apron either. She made several mistakes as well on top of that, that got her 10%. Believe it or not, SOME servers are that STUPID to give you a soft drink that NORMALLY at that restaurant COMES with a straw, but not bring one. So YOU DO SOMETIMES HAVE TO ASK.