I was originally going to do a post on the recent upsurge of hateful people that have been coming out to eat lately and I realized that it was a bit dark and depressing.

Instead, I’m going to do a little feature on the different types of customers we have in restaurants. This one should be fun, and everyone will fit into one of these whether we admit it or not. I got this idea based on the huge diversity of my guests this weekend. These are in no particular order, and I’m not going to list them all in this post, this one’s going to be a short series.

Let’s just jump right in!

The After Churchers: These are the people who come to a restaurant after their Sunday Services and pray for your immortal soul as you serve them.  They say things like “Bless you” and “Praise Jesus” as you deliver drinks, they tell you “God Bless” as they leave you 10% or a prayer card/pamphlet with a dollar in it and an invitation to their church.  They come in wearing suits, bright flowery dresses, and big huge hats.  They are also hateful in their own little way, subtly hinting that you’re not as good as they are because you’re not at church, you’re at work serving them.

The High School Girls:  This breed of customer comes out during the summer and when school is in session, after 4 pm on weekdays.  They often will order water or the Shirley Temple (a hideous concoction of Sprite and Grenadine for those that don’t know), and a side of fries to share between 4 of them.  They never have money for a tip, yet they always seem to have money to buy bags and bags of clothes before they come into your restaurant. (For those of you who are not located in a mall, the clothes will not be present; instead, you will see the most expensive cell phones you’ve ever seen in life, as well as expensive designer bags.)  On rare occasions, this specimen will do more than text one another from one side of the table to another, and they’ll order an appetizer to split.  They drink Ranch Dressing like Springs1 but only if you lie to them and tell them it’s Fat Free Ranch Dressing.  They can also be identified by shrill, nasal voices accompanied by excessive usage of the word “like” and the phrase “Oh my God!”.

The High School Boys:  High School Boys are almost as annoying as High School Girls in that everything they talk about has to do with girls.  They’ll order a Coke and chicken strips, regardless of their looking through the menu for 20 minutes.  They drop lame pick-up lines to the cute server girls, and ask the guys who all they’ve been with.  They question the male servers as to which girl they think is hot, and they lie about their “girlfriends”.  Many of them are virgins, despite boasting to the contrary, and don’t realize that they’re wasting time that should be spent living life and working on school things.

The “Ballah”:  The Ballah is the guy that comes in with his friends, wearing fake gold and brand name clothes all over his body.  His cap will be too big and turned at an angle, his pants will be down below his ass, and his hand perpetually on his junk trying to keep the pants from falling off completely.  He will order a cognac and not order it correctly (i.e. Hennessey and Coke, Remy and Sprite with grenadine).  He’ll flirt with every female he sees no matter their level of attractiveness, and will give a fake number to each one of them.  He’ll flash a wad of cash at you when you approach his table, again when you deliver his food, and will be counting it when you bring the check.  He’ll spend most of his time on the phone or shouting with his “boys”.  They will often run their server into the ground, and will have only a state issued ID card when you ask for proof of age.  When the bill is paid, it will not include a tip no matter how much the bill is.  There will always be a faint aroma of Marijuana when you serve the Ballah.

The Celebrity:  Everyone wants to serve the Celebrity.  The celebrity is the guest who treats you like a normal person, who doesn’t let it show how much they hate autograph hunters even when they’re eating with their family.  They will talk to you and ask about your life, thankful for the break from people asking about theirs.  They have money but they don’t make sure everyone knows it.  They are normally pretty low key, and are the nicest people you’ll ever meet.  Serve a Celebrity properly and they’ll come see you more than once.  The Tennessee Titans (most of them, anyway), Steve McNair, the nerdy looking kid from Hannah Montana, Natasha Bedingfield are just a few examples of celebrity that servers fight for the right to serve.  They tip very well, even when the food is not great, because many of them understand that the server isn’t always at fault.  Some of them even started out where we are.

The “Celebrity”:  The “Celebrity” or faux celebrity, is the person who has a lot of money and is in the public eye and makes sure that people never forget it.  They are the celebrity that people hate to serve because of their attitudes.  They don’t tip, thinking that we should just be privileged that we’re serving them in the first place.  They routinely complain about their food and/or service.  They drop their name, even when they’re not famous enough for people to care about them.  Pacman Jones and Young Buck are just two examples of the faux celebrity.  I’m quite sure that there are more names on the list, but I’m not adding them here.

That’s all for tonight, I’ll put up the next installment of the Restaurant Customer Stereotypes tomorrow.

I know I haven’t posted much, and I’m just going to stop promising to post more because it’s hard to find the time.  Just don’t give up on me guys, I’m not going anywhere!

Ribeye

Related Posts:

Related posts:

1. Talk about perpetuating stereotypes…
2. Notorious: Episode One
3. Notorious: Episode Two…”Plus One”
4. Some managers make the stupidest decisions: Episode One