Ok, it’s a little….off color…this post, and it’s mainly for the guys (unless some ladies have experience with this phenomenon). Those of you who have experienced it know exactly what I’m talking about.

You’ve worked a long shift, or a hectic shift. You’re sweaty, tired, hot, sweaty, sweaty. You’ve been moving for so long and so fast that you don’t realize you’ve got a bit of pain, or you’re so busy that you block it out. You finally start to slow down, and you feel a slight sting in your rear. It’s not in a “safe” place, however. As your body goes slower and slower, the pain grows stronger and stronger but you don’t know why.

You finally get a chance to go outside and smoke a cigarette (or take a breath of fresh air, to each his own), but you find yourself walking somewhat bowlegged due to a chafing pain. When you finally make it outside, you see an empty chair, the corner of a step, the ground itself. You plop down in utter exhaustion and you feel fire. You resist the urge to grimace, and you keep from jumping up because you don’t want people to know what’s going on.

Keeping up appearances, you chit chat while inwardly you’re screaming bloody murder.

My friends, THAT is Server Ass.

I haven’t yet figured out what causes it, whether it’s due to the amount of sweat, the type of underpants (I’ve heard that briefs are better, I’ve heard that boxers are better, I’ve heard that boxer briefs are better), or a combination of everything, but conventional remedies are no good. Even baby powder causes a sting like no other.

What actually happens with Server Ass doesn’t have anything to do with the cheeks, or even the inner depths. The O-Ring is always left intact to my knowledge. It has to do with the outer rims of the crack itself. They get swollen from chafing or sweat, or expulsion of gas perhaps, as I said, I don’t really know other than the fact that it hurts like a bitch!

I have a couple of theories, however. I think that as men, (most of) our asses just don’t take abuse (ok get a laugh and move on now) and they are rebelling against us. They want us to sit down at least 3 times an hour, preferably for 20 minutes at a time. You do the math. When our hind quarters don’t get the relaxation they desire, they take revenge upon us.

Perhaps it’s got to do with the amount of “rear hair” or lack thereof. Perhaps those of us with gorgeous looking bubble butts (like mine) have more problems because our cheeks naturally rub a bit as we move. That thought leads me to wonder if men with a flat ass experience this too….I’ve only heard guys at my job with nice asses complain about it, and complain that they can’t ease the pain of it.

At any rate, I, along with a few of my co-workers and some of the other guys in the restaurants surrounding (anonymous poll) have all dealt with this more than once and let me tell you it’s just not fun. Consider this an open question: I want to know who else has dealt with this horrid malady, the pain of which I can only liken to the passing of a kidney stone or childbirth, a pain for which there is no known cure, a pain which male servers everywhere are afraid to admit they deal with for fear of ridicule. You don’t have to leave your name (though I’d prefer something), but I want to know who else has dealt with this. Ladies, you also; please let me know who among you can relate, who amongst your number have felt our pain.

Any remedies that you’ve come up with that would help out your fellow man should be left in your comment as well. ANYTHING, from Desitin to the Donut, let your words ring bold and clear!

Faithful readers of the medical profession, lend us your knowledge as well!

For those of you who don’t want to comment, I’m adding a poll for you!

Thank you, and thank you!

Ribeye

Everyone, if you’ve already read something like this, disregard it.  For those of you who haven’t, I’m desperately hoping that you learn from the following post and educate your friends and family, your peers and co-workers, because we’re just plain tired of this bullshit!

Don’t tell us you’re ready to order unless you’re ready to fucking order!!  You take up so much of our time when you say things like “We ready” and then proceed to look through the menu for another 10 minutes to decide on an order of chicken strips!  There’s other things we can be doing, and 9 times out of 10, when you do that, we know you’re not going to tip and you get ignored by default.

Don’t bitch and complain because a salad doesn’t come with your meal because we have no control over the prices set by the corporate office/restaurant owner.  I’m sorry that you think a salad should come with your chicken pasta but that’s not my fault.  If you want the salad, pay the extra price.  Otherwise, stop whining, it’s not going to change anything.

Don’t bring in your own drinks, the restaurant isn’t your friends block party or a fucking movie theater!  We have drinks for you to order and pay for, and most restaurants will take your snuck in drinks, especially if they consist of alcohol.

Don’t come running to us asking “Is it too late to change my order?” after it’s been in for 10 minutes, because it is too late to change your fucking order!  Doing that ensures that you’re going to wait an extra 10 minutes for your food just giving you something else to bitch and moan about, when the problem is your own fucking fault to begin with!

DO NOT CUSS YOUR SERVER OUT!  Doing that opens you, and your food, up to any retribution that we see fit to give.  I hate that your girlfriend dumped you, I hate that you got robbed and didn’t get a drink because of your lack of an ID, but cussing me out because you’re having a shitty night is the worst thing you can possibly do.

All of you fucktards who committed the above transgressions tonight should be drug out in the street and shot.

Ribeye

That’s the theme of today!  Just Screwed!

Past couple of days, I’ve been dealing with a bank issue.  Yes, everyone, the Ribeye has been hacked…or ID thefted.  At any rate, the Ribeye’s checking account is now at a negative 280 and change, and that’s after talking to the fraud dept. and getting chargebacks on what I could.  The account started with almost 500 in it.  Ribeye and RagingPartner were saving for a nice apartment.

Now we’re just fucking SCREWED!

Not that I don’t have a couple of ideas, one of which you’ll hear more about later in the week after plans are finalized.

Then I go to work tonight, expecting to be back at my bar in the bowling alley like I’m scheduled.  I get into work and get the bar almost completely opened when I’m told by manager S the Feminine that I’m not going to actually be working the bar that I’ve already worked so hard to open.  Somebody else is.  I’ll actually be doing breaks for the cocktail staff until 8 (went in at 4) and after that, I’m going to be a floating bartender, not with a drawer or anything like that, just helping out where I can and not making money.

I sure enough got to make everybody else some cash, mind you, just not anything for myself, despite the managers knowing how badly I needed to work and make money tonight being close to 700 in the hole.  Doesn’t matter.

Even worse, I had regulars come in to see me at the bar tonight, expecting me to serve them and make them my personal shots that I came up with last time, and I wasn’t even allowed to serve them because I was on an hourly rate.  The hourly rate doesn’t help me with the bank issue, so therefore I am still SCREWED!

Those are the reasons that Screwed has been the theme of today.  I’m hoping someone will want to not work tomorrow so that I can pick up a shift, but I’m really not holding my breath as I like living.

I’ll update soon, and will have an actual RS post up soon (this time hopefully within a day or two).

Don’t give up on me!

Ribeye

Talk about getting my ass kicked.  I’ve worked the bars at my job before, just never by myself on a Saturday night before.  The only time I’ve been busier was on the various Super Bowl Sundays.  Don’t get me wrong, the money was great, but I just don’t know about dealing with that type of guest.

I got to work the bowling bar this past Saturday.  Let me rephrase that.  I was thrown headfirst into the bowling bar this past Saturday.  I now realize what the bartenders go through on a full time basis and I probably won’t bitch at them or about them as much as I used to.

First thing I had to deal with on the bar, only on a much higher scale than I do on the floor:  the “How much do dat drank cost?” syndrome.  If there was a woman sitting at the bar, it was a sure bet that if they were younger than 30 they were going to ask how much everything was.  I have to wonder if I was just being hateful to some of them out of spite, or out of my being weeded out.

“How much do a shot of Henny be.”
“Close to 10 bucks.”
“That’s do damn much!  How much fo’ a cosmo?”
“Close to 9 bucks.”
“What about dat’  signature drink I’m not naming here, how much do dat cost?”
“I’m sorry, honey but I don’t have time to give you the prices of every drink.  Pick something and take your chances or drink a coke.”

and the next one

“How much fo’ a Millah lite?”
“Do you want a bottle or draft?”
“Well what da best deal?”
“The one that tastes good to you.  They’re all more than 3 dollars.”
“Well how much da big one?”
“Are you actually going to order if I tell you?”

and finally, a classic:

“How much Patron is?”
“10 bucks.”
“How much do Remy cost?”
“If you have to ask then you can’t afford it.”

I thought the other bartenders were just…exaggerating when they talked about the price check epidemic.  I dealt with it on the floor, but never in such vast numbers.

I’ve also gotten to see what it’s like dealing with cocktails that are in the weeds waiting for drinks.  The funny thing is, I’ve now been on both sides of that equation, and I have learned that it pretty much sucks either way.  I don’t like waiting for a bartender when they’re in the weeds, neither do I like listening to the cocktails whine about waiting when I’m in the weeds.  I kind of snapped at a couple of them Saturday night, didn’t really mean to but I was slaughtered with a full bar 2 people deep most of the night, and I was alone.  Both of the other bars in the building had 3 people working in each one, they didn’t have the problems I did.

People who ordered food from the bar then left the bar to get a lane or pool table were pretty much screwed.  It’s really hard to leave a full bar to check the kitchen for an appetizer, and I’m sorry, I’m not rushing to the back to find out where your appetizer is so that it comes out before your entree.  You’re sitting at a full bar with one bartender, drink your drink and eat your wings.  Don’t think you’re going to get full service like you’re sitting at a table, it’s just not going to happen when the bartender is busy.

Not much more involving the bar shift to talk about, other than I was exhausted when I got home and my back hurt.   About the same as working a floor shift if you want to know the truth.  At least I didn’t have to look up the recipe’s for any drink but one.  Makes me wonder what this Saturday is going to be like.

Ribeye

Well, there’s been a few shifts lately employee-wise, and a couple of people who have fucked up at work. The infamous Hawk from posts long past is no longer with us, neither is BlondeAmber as of last night (ya’ll didn’t hear about her, she’d only been there a couple of weeks and wasn’t worth posting about till now). A couple of managers have left, we have a new one that’s cool as Hell, and the bartender that I had an issue with for reasons that will remain unposted (at least for now) is now gone as well. Things seem to be going a bit better at my job.

I’ll be completely done with my paperwork for shift leading in a few days even though I’ve been doing it for months, I’m bartending one shift a week; I want more but this is a start. I’m still training, and working with the training manager to change the format a bit to what it’s supposed to be from the shell that it is now.

Blowjob Barbie is starting to show some big improvements according to management, and I’ve seen some of it myself. She’s no longer against doing running sidework…at least not all the time, and she’s showing signs that she’s able to work with others and not as a force unto herself. One of the managers made it clear to her that there are servers with authority above her that have the unfortunate job of enforcing the rules and telling her what to do. She didn’t like it but it’s my understanding that she wasn’t given a choice; she’s to do what she’s asked/told to do and bitch about our attitudes to the manager later.

As this is another long post, “hit the jump” for the rest!

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