Going along with the theme of things that shouldn’t happen, just like the last post on “Things you shouldn’t say to your server”, today’s post is going to be on the things you shouldn’t do if you want people to take you seriously out in public. They can be at restaurants, they can be at the mall, this one is not just a server issue, this one’s a life issue. Stupid is spreading like the plague, so don’t be the next person to catch it.

Don’t go out in public drunk or high. People can tell, no matter how hard you try to hide it, and when people can see your intoxication, they know better than to believe anything you say.

Don’t make out with someone while you’re sitting at your table, or in the theater. If your server walks up and sees you making out with your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/trick/brother/sister/who the fuck ever, they’re going to roll their eyes, most likely tell you to get a room, and know that if you make a complaint, it’s only so you can try to impress your other by being a badass.

Don’t eat everything on your plate, then complain to a manager that the food was prepared wrong, or that it didn’t taste good. The manager isn’t going to give it to you for free just because you don’t feel like paying for it. If it was really prepared wrong or tasted bad, you’d have complained early, not eaten every last crumb.

Threatening to call the corporate office when you don’t get your way is just another way of throwing a temper tantrum. Managers and employees know that you’re just out to get something free, they won’t cave. Every time you threaten to call the corporate office, those employees make sure to call them first to let them know the exact situation.

Don’t pull out the race card unless it really needs to be pulled. Not everything is because you’re Latino, or because you’re black, or because you’re a Muslim. Sometimes, things just don’t go like they’re supposed to, and that’s no reflection on you. Sometimes we cannot give you the same thing we gave another table, either because we’re out of that thing, or because it’s going to be a while before that thing is ready. Sometimes you’ll be wanting to sit down, and while there are open tables, that doesn’t mean there are servers available to take care of them. It’s not that we don’t want to seat you because believe me, we want your money. It’s because we can’t seat you. If it’s a first come first serve area, and you sit down at someone else’s table, we’re going to ask you to move. It’s not because of your race, it’s because the table is someone else’s.

Another problem with the first come first serve (aka, cocktail) areas of restaurants: Do not sit down at a dirty table and immediately send your crotch spawn out to find someone to clean the table off. First of all, you sat at a dirty table in the first place, and we see you sitting there. Second, we’ll get there when we can. Sometimes you just have to wait. If you bitch at us about cleaning your dirty table, not even 2 minutes after you chose to sit down at said dirty table, we’re not going to take you seriously because you’re probably going to find other things to bitch about during your meal. Patience is a virtue, it’s time you learned to use that virtue to it’s fullest extent.

Don’t bring your unruly crotch spawn out to a nice restaurant if they don’t know how to behave, or if you don’t know how to control them. You’ll piss off other diners, and you’ll piss off your server.

Don’t go to the Wal-Mart with all your unruly crotch spawn in tow, and try to return things at the service counter while you have your cell phone stuck to your head. When you’re talking loudly about who’s fucking who and who’s beating on who. If you can’t talk in a normal indoor voice, without getting pissy, then they’re not going to take your return.

Don’t lose your temper when they don’t take your return without a receipt. Put yourself in their place, if you can. If you saw a string of people coming in without receipts trying to return things, would you allow it?

Don’t run around with your pants hanging off your ass, your cap all crooked on your head, your clothes 8 sizes too big, and a bunch of fake jewelry. Nobody likes a thug, and nobody likes a poser thug. You look stupid, you look immature, and you look like a moron. When you come in dressed like that, no matter where you are, we don’t care. We know when you bitch you’re just trying to get a discounted price on something, or get something free. Just don’t bother. Nobody likes a thug.

Women: Don’t run around wearing next to nothing, it cheapens you and makes you look like a street-walking whore.  When we see a woman walking around in a shirt that shows more skin than it covers, a pair of shorts that are more or less a pair of panties, and earrings that a 6′6″ man can put a fist through and still not have the metal touch his wrists, then you’re dressed improperly for public viewing.  Go back to the strip club.  Even worse, don’t go to a family restaurant or family business.  Other than lecherous old men, adolescent boys, and 20-something guys, nobody wants to see your goods, and they don’t want you, just your cooze.  Dress like a person, not a dirty little skank.

Women: Plastic surgery should be used in moderation.  The gods made you the way you were for a reason; getting new tits, a new nose, a new ass, new lips, a new stomach, a new forehead, and new everything else makes you a new person, and usually a very hateful person.  Be yourself, people don’t want a fake.  And yes, fake tits feel just that…fake.

Going out in public and acting like a child just shows that you shouldn’t be out in public at all.  Restaurants are not frat houses, act like a fucking adult.

That’s all I can think of right now, but I’m sure there will be more later.  There may or may not be a part 2 to this post, depending on if I have more material after work tonight.

Ribeye