I’ve been thinking about some of these things for a while, and tonight just seemed like the night to post the list. Here are some things that you should just not say to your server when you’re out eating, either because it’s going to piss them off or because it’s just plain rude and makes you seem like a worthless piece of excrement.

“You missed a spot.”  If we’re cleaning, just let us clean.  There will be no need for noise from the peanut gallery.

“Fuck you!” You know what, Fuck you too!  If you don’t have respect for us, we’re damn sure not going to have it for you.

“How much longer on the food?”  We keep you as up to the minute as possible when your food is running long, so don’t keep asking if you don’t want to piss us off.

“How much does _______ cost?”  If you have to ask, then you need to cook it yourself.  Most prices are in the menu if it’s food, with alcohol there’s just too many prices to memorize.  If it’s not a bottle/draft beer or a well drink, then we probably don’t know right off the bat.  We’re not going to price check every fucking drink until you find the cheapest with the most liquor.  Just order and worry about it later.

“It’s slow in here tonight.”  No shit, Sherlock.  I was wondering why you were the only table getting on my nerves!

“My food tasted bad, can I get it free?”  No, you ate the entire thing, you’re now going to pay the entire thing.

“This drink doesn’t have any liquor in it.”  Yes, it does, you’ve just had so much you can’t taste it anymore.

“What’s free?”  Nothing.  Absofuckinglutely nothing.

“Can I get insert non-menu item here?”  If it’s not in the menu, then it’s probably not something the restaurant has.  Asking for it isn’t going to change that.

“Do you give anything free for birthdays?”  No, No, No, NO, NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO!  Go to T.G.I. Fridays if you want a song!

“Do you work here?”  No, I’m just wearing an apron and asking you what you want to drink.

If standing in front of the bathroom, this one…”Where’s the bathroom?”

“Can we get some straws?”  No, I’m just going to give you these drinks without them.  They’re not sticking out of my apron, or sitting on the tray, so you can’t have them.

“Can we get some silverware?”  No, I want to watch you eat with your fingers and make my stomach turn backflips.

“So what’s your real job, or are you in school?”  This is my only job, and I make more doing it than most people do in stuffy, boring places.

I’ve got a lot more things you shouldn’t say to your servers, but I figure the list is long enough for now.  But before I go, the number one thing to say that pisses us off, because it’s not funny and we hear it so many times a night:  In regards to the check, “I thought you were taking care of that.”  What the Hell would give you the idea that we would even consider paying for your meal?

Come back for more, very soon.

Ribeye