I’ve been thinking about some of these things for a while, and tonight just seemed like the night to post the list. Here are some things that you should just not say to your server when you’re out eating, either because it’s going to piss them off or because it’s just plain rude and makes you seem like a worthless piece of excrement.

“You missed a spot.”  If we’re cleaning, just let us clean.  There will be no need for noise from the peanut gallery.

“Fuck you!” You know what, Fuck you too!  If you don’t have respect for us, we’re damn sure not going to have it for you.

“How much longer on the food?”  We keep you as up to the minute as possible when your food is running long, so don’t keep asking if you don’t want to piss us off.

“How much does _______ cost?”  If you have to ask, then you need to cook it yourself.  Most prices are in the menu if it’s food, with alcohol there’s just too many prices to memorize.  If it’s not a bottle/draft beer or a well drink, then we probably don’t know right off the bat.  We’re not going to price check every fucking drink until you find the cheapest with the most liquor.  Just order and worry about it later.

“It’s slow in here tonight.”  No shit, Sherlock.  I was wondering why you were the only table getting on my nerves!

“My food tasted bad, can I get it free?”  No, you ate the entire thing, you’re now going to pay the entire thing.

“This drink doesn’t have any liquor in it.”  Yes, it does, you’ve just had so much you can’t taste it anymore.

“What’s free?”  Nothing.  Absofuckinglutely nothing.

“Can I get insert non-menu item here?”  If it’s not in the menu, then it’s probably not something the restaurant has.  Asking for it isn’t going to change that.

“Do you give anything free for birthdays?”  No, No, No, NO, NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO!  Go to T.G.I. Fridays if you want a song!

“Do you work here?”  No, I’m just wearing an apron and asking you what you want to drink.

If standing in front of the bathroom, this one…”Where’s the bathroom?”

“Can we get some straws?”  No, I’m just going to give you these drinks without them.  They’re not sticking out of my apron, or sitting on the tray, so you can’t have them.

“Can we get some silverware?”  No, I want to watch you eat with your fingers and make my stomach turn backflips.

“So what’s your real job, or are you in school?”  This is my only job, and I make more doing it than most people do in stuffy, boring places.

I’ve got a lot more things you shouldn’t say to your servers, but I figure the list is long enough for now.  But before I go, the number one thing to say that pisses us off, because it’s not funny and we hear it so many times a night:  In regards to the check, “I thought you were taking care of that.”  What the Hell would give you the idea that we would even consider paying for your meal?

Come back for more, very soon.

Ribeye

I don’t know what makes people so stupid.  To me, it seems like it’s an age old “Nature vs. Nurture” question.  Are people just born stupid, or are they raised stupid.  I don’t know how many times tonight I was asked “Do you work here?”  How can you not know I work there when I am wearing an apron!  I know I’ve bitched about this very topic before, but it’s something that keeps happening.

Another big one in my area tonight was this.  “Can we just sit down?”  One lady in particular was really annoying.

She walks up to me while I’m bussing a table.  “Do we have to get on a list for these tables?”

“No, ma’am, they’re first come first serve.”  I say, not paying much attention to her.

“So we can just sit down?”

“Yes, ma’am, these tables are open seating.”

“Is it the same food as the restaurant?”  No you stupid bitch, it’s a completely different restuarant connected by a hallway.

“Yes, ma’am, the menu is exactly the same.”

“So we can order the same food as in the restaurant?”

“Yes ma’am, this is just another part of the restaurant.”

“So we don’t have to get on a waiting list to get a table?”

“No, ma’am, you can sit right down and a server will be right with you.”

“Do we have to see a hostess to get the table?”  I want to stab people like this.  How fucking stupid can one person be?

“Ma’am, if you’ll just sit down at a table, then one of us will be right with you to take care of you.”  She walks off, doesn’t ever sit down, and I didn’t see her again for the rest of the night.

The next table that comes in was a table of rednecks.  Why do they have to torment me?   Did I do something in a past life to deserve constant redneckery?  They sit down, it was a family of 4 guys.  Dad and his sons.  They order girly drinks.  Mai Tai, Strawberry Margarita, and a Bay Breeze.  I check ID’s.  The first two are fine, but the third.  The third is cracked, taped up and the expiration and issued dates are all faded out.  It’s not an ID that I can legally accept.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t take your ID.”

“Well why da fuck not?” he asks.  I list the reasons above.

“So you can’t give me a drink, even though I’m old enough?”

“Sir, there’s nothing I’d like to do more than to let you have your drink, but I have to worry about my job.  If I were to serve you, I’d be fired.”

“But I’m old enough to drink!  You need to get over to that bar, and get my drink.”

“I can’t do that sir, I’m sorry.”

“We ain’ never had this problem before.”

“I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not going to get fired.”

“Well I wanna see a manager.”

The manager comes by, and tells him the exact same thing.  He gets even more pissed, and his dad tries to give him a drink.  I’m forced to remove all the alcohol from the table.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” the dad yells at me.

“He can’t have a drink without a valid form of ID, and I obviously cannot trust any of you to not let him have a drink, so none of you will have a drink.  I’m very sorry, but that’s the way it is.”  Manager gets called back to the table, table bitches out manager, who bitches back at him just as hard, tells him we’re not risking out liquor license.  Makes them pay and leave.  Somehow, I still got a tip off the table, although it wasn’t close to 10%.  Oh well, fucking redneck scum of the earth.

The first carnival post is coming guys, I know I said it would be yesterday, but it really is coming.

Ribeye